Stopping the Self-Shame Spiral
As an integrative health and wellness coach, I often see clients who excel at treating others with kindness but struggle to offer themselves the same grace. They live by the Golden Rule—treating others as they would like to be treated—but when it comes to flipping that rule around, things fall apart. Instead of responding to their own mistakes with understanding, they fall into a spiral of self-blame and self-shame.
Self-awareness is the first step.
Noticing when you’re slipping into a self-shame spiral is essential. Shame often arrives as a critical voice: “I can’t believe I did that,” or “I always mess things up.” But awareness alone isn’t enough—we must take the next step.
Embrace self-compassion.
Many of our shame responses stem from childhood messages that made us feel unworthy, incapable, or fundamentally flawed. As adults, we have the power to reframe these messages. Instead of seeing mistakes as proof that we are “bad” or “not enough,” we can remind ourselves that being human means being imperfect. Would you berate a close friend for making the same mistake? Probably not. Instead, you’d offer encouragement and perspective. Try giving yourself the same kindness.
Disrupt the cycle with action.
When you catch yourself sinking into shame, try these steps:
Pause and Name It – Say to yourself, “I’m feeling shame right now,” to create distance from the emotion.
Reframe Your Inner Dialogue – Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend: “You’re doing the best you can.”
Engage in Self-Soothing – Take a few deep breaths, place a hand over your heart, or step outside for fresh air.
Shift to Growth – Ask, “What can I learn from this?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
Self-compassion isn’t weakness—it’s a pathway to resilience. The more we practice, the more we break free from shame, allowing us to move forward with confidence and self-trust.
